Wednesday, August 31

It's sad really. I sometimes think that - under different circumstances, with a different personality, in a different life- I probably could have been a highly intelligent individual. Unfortunately I live within these circumstances, with this personality, in this life - and alas I lack all the motivation, inspiration and aspiration that would have allowed me to use my brain to its full potential. Whats even worse is that I am fully aware of this fact, but lack the resolve to put that awareness into action. Furthermore, I truly believe that it is too late. I needed someone to tell me this when I was thirteen. I needed discipline and encouragement and direction - and I was given too little of each. However, perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps by blaming my parents and my friends and the education system, I am simply deflecting attention away from me; protecting myself from having to deal with the ever elusive "could-have's" and "should-have's" that now define my life. Maybe by saying that it is too late, what I really mean is that I'm scared to find out that there is in reality no genius hiding within the deep recesses of my mind (as I currently allow myself to entertain the thought of) and that I am in fact as dull and dim-witted as those very individuals that I most despise. But if this is so, surely I have no one else to blame but myself? My own laziness - regardless of how it came into being - has brought me to where I stand today: a college dropout, on the brink of unemployment, with no friends and no future. I live in the beautiful, selfish, hostile world of apathy and anarchy, and I have lost the ability to care whose fault that is, or whether it is really a fault at all.